


Eremin Week: Amnesia

by ParzivalHallows



Series: Eremin Week October 2015 [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Amnesia, I had actually intended for this to be fluffy, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but then my mind turned dark and this is pretty much pure angst, confused!Eren, sad!armin, semi-happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5014363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParzivalHallows/pseuds/ParzivalHallows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is in a terrible car accident that puts him in a coma. Armin has lost everybody, but the one thing that keeps him going is Eren. When Eren wakes up... things aren't as great as Armin would have hoped. Who knew the first words he spoke to Armin would be "Who are you?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eremin Week: Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> So trigger warnings for this: 
> 
> Thoughts of Suicide  
> Suicide Attempt

When Armin got the call, he could have sworn that his heart stopped. He was numb when he got into his car and sped towards Trost District’s Memorial Hospital. He was going way over the speed limit, but luck seemed to be on his side for once, as he didn’t see even a glimpse of a cop.

 

He rushed into the hospital, pushing past patients and visitors until he reached the front desk. He demanded to see Eren Jaeger _immediately._ The secretary at the front desk seemed to recognize the boy’s name, because she bit her lip and gave him a sympathetic look. “I’ll call Dr. Smith, one moment please.”

 

One moment please? Did she think he was on the phone or something? He waited impatiently as the brunette called the extension to Dr. Smith’s office. “Erwin? It’s Sasha, someone is here to see Eren Jaeger, should I let him in?”

 

Sasha seemed to quail at the absolute outraged expression on Armin’s face, and looked down at her desk while Dr. Smith spoke with her. After what seemed like forever, but was really only a few moments, Sasha hung up and looked back at Armin. “He’s on the third floor, ICU. You can’t see him yet, you’ll have to wait, I’m sorry,” she did look sincerely sorry, and Armin scowled.

 

“How long until I see him?”

 

“He’s in surgery, the car accident was really bad. There’s… also another thing…” she was looking really awkward now, since Armin seemed distraught enough over the news that his boyfriend was in surgery. “He was with his sister in the car.”

 

“Mikasa?” Armin blinked. “Is she okay?”

 

Sasha averted her gaze and Armin glared at her. “She’s okay, isn’t she?”

 

_It’s Mikasa, of course she’s okay. Nothing could possibly happen to Mikasa._

The look on Sasha’s face said otherwise. “She died on impact. I’m sorry.”

 

Armin stared at her, unable to believe her words. “Why… why didn’t they tell me?” His voice came out hoarse.

 

“You um… you hung up before they had the chance to tell you…”

 

Armin stared at her for a moment more before shaking his head furiously. “No, that’s not true. How would you even know? You’re just a secretary! You couldn’t possibly know that! Why would you even joke about that!?”

 

“My boyfriend, Connie, is the one who found them,” Sasha watched as Armin’s expression crumbled. Armin knew Connie, and now that he thought about it he did mention having a girlfriend that worked at this hospital. Connie was friends with Armin, Eren and Mikasa. He would never lie or joke about something like Mikasa’s death.

 

“I… I…”

 

“You should sit down,” Sasha watched with concern as Armin seemed to sway. His skin had turned ghost white, and his hands were shaking. Armin stared at her for a moment, as though he hadn’t heard her, before he nodded slowly and walked robotically towards one of the free chairs. Sasha watched, feeling her heart break as she looked at the young man. She’d seen her fair share of people grieving, and Sasha hadn’t even given him the worst news yet. He stared blankly at the floor, eyes watering but no tears fell. His hands clenched together, but that did little to stop the shaking.

 

* * *

 

 

It was two hours later that Eren was out of surgery. It was three hours later that Armin was allowed in to see him.

 

He didn’t really hear most of what the doctors were saying to him, just bits and pieces. But when he heard the word “coma” and “might not wake up”, he broke down. He cried for Eren, he cried for Mikasa, and he cried for himself. His best friend in the whole world was dead, and his boyfriend was in a coma that he might not wake up from. Armin had other friends, sure, but nobody like Eren and Mikasa. Nobody could possibly replace them. They were there for Armin when nobody else was, his fondest memories were with the two of them. Now that’s all they had. Memories. Memories from the past. They wouldn’t be going to that fancy restaurant that just opened up, even though they’d already made plans for Friday. Even if Eren somehow woke up and made a miraculous recovery within three days, it wouldn’t be the same. Mikasa was supposed to be there with them. They wouldn’t be going to that comic convention that they’d pre-ordered tickets to three months ago – they’d even picked out the cosplays they were going to wear. Eren was going as Spiderman, Mikasa was going to go as Black Bat, and Armin was going as Quicksilver.

 

Keyword was.

 

Now they weren’t going to do those things. They weren’t going to have new memories with the three of them. It was a terrible, terrible truth and it made Armin scream at the thought. His hands clenched into his hair tightly and he collapsed onto his knees, sobbing and screaming. Someone had their arms around him, but he wasn’t sure who. Even if he were to look up he knew that tears would be clouding his vision anyway. He could hear someone yelling his name over his own cries of agony. He could feel someone shaking him, telling him to stop screaming, _please stop._ But he couldn’t. It was too much. He could feel his heart shredding bit by bit as memories of the three of them welled up.

 

He only stopped screaming when his throat ached, but the sobbing hadn’t stopped. He was vaguely aware that his own breathing was sporadic and heavy, but the weight in his chest was making it hard to breath. Not that he really cared at that point.

 

He could hear voices floating over him, but he was too detached from reality to listen to what they were saying. He just remembered a pinch in his arm, maybe a needle, and then blackness.

 

* * *

 

 

Armin woke to a bright light. He scrunched his face and squinted his eyes in an attempt to get the light from reaching his eyes. He sat up, looking around as his eyes adjusted. He was lying in a hospital bed. For a moment, he wondered what he was doing here. Then it all came back down on him.

 

Part of him wanted to scream and cry again, but by now a strange numbness had taken over. There was only one thought on his mind now: Where was Eren? Where was his boyfriend?

 

He stumbled out of the bed and raced out of the room, crashing straight into a nurse. He didn’t even stop to apologize, he just grabbed her by the shoulders and stared frantically into her eyes. “Where’s Eren?”

 

He hadn’t given a last name, but the woman seemed to know exactly who he was talking about. She quickly lead Armin into another room, and Armin’s breath hitched at the sight of his lover in a hospital bed.

 

His left arm and right leg were both in heavy casts, his face was paler then Armin had ever seen, and bruises littered his other arm. Armin swallowed heavily and walked to stand beside Eren. He grabbed his hand gently, as though scared Eren might suddenly break if Armin touched him too roughly. As he looked at Eren’s face he noticed a long cut on his cheek, closed with butterfly stitches. His right eye was puffy underneath, but it didn’t seem as though it would form into a black eye. Needles were digging into his skin, connected to tubes that kept him hydrated (Armin supposed).

 

This was… this was bad. Armin hadn’t been sure what he was expecting. Actually he did. He expected Eren to just look like he was asleep. That’s what a coma was right? But… he’d left out the small detail that the entire car had been _crushed._ Mikasa had been killed on impact.

 

His heartbeat was steady, the monitor and beeping was enough to tell him that, but… it wasn’t enough. He needed Eren to open his eyes. He needed Eren to reassure him that he would be alright. That everything would be okay.

 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the nurse said, closing the door softly behind her as she left.

 

Armin couldn’t stop staring at Eren. A part of him wondered if the brunette would have been better off dead. Maybe if he had… maybe Armin would have killed himself. To be with Eren and Mikasa. But he couldn’t, not if Eren still had the slightest chance of making it out alive. He would live if Eren lived… if Eren died… he would die with him.

 

* * *

 

 

Four months later Eren woke up.

 

Armin had been with him. He visited every day after school, and his job, and he stayed the entire day when he had off. His performance in both college and his part-time job was lacking. Levi had actually threatened to fire him the other day – but he didn’t. Armin knew he wouldn’t. Levi had gone through a similar reaction when his girlfriend, Petra had been killed. He knew what it was like, what Armin was going through. Although it did make Armin feel guilty. He was holding everyone back, he was being a burden, he was useless in his classes and he kept messing up his work. He had avoided his other friends, because they reminded him too much of Eren and Mikasa. Eren was enough of a reminder to the only thing keeping him alive, he didn’t need anyone else interfering with his life.

 

Besides, he’d feel less guilty if Eren died and Armin offed himself. At least he wouldn’t have any friends to miss him, and his entire family was dead. Armin could see them all again. The thought was certainly very tempting, but… Armin needed to be strong for Eren.

 

And he was strong for Eren. Up until the moment that Eren opened his eyes. Armin had been reading to him, as he always did, when the heart monitor changed. Armin threw the book down, scared that something was happening, but then he saw Eren’s eyes flutter open and he had never felt so much relief in his life before.

 

“Eren!”

 

All of the bruises and cuts had healed by now, and his skin tone had returned mostly back to normal, but he still had casts on his arm and leg. Armin practically jumped on the bed, grinning like an idiot. But he didn’t care. Eren was alive. Eren was awake.

 

He expected Eren to look just as relieved as he did, but the young man just looked confused. Armin could have smacked himself. Of course he was confused, the last thing he probably remembered was driving in the car. Anyone would be confused waking up in the hospital.

 

Eren looked at his casts and then the needles in his arm. His eyes widened in alarm and his heart monitor sped up. “Eren? Eren it’s okay, Eren look at me – you’re okay, I’m here – you’re safe. We’ll be okay!”

 

But Eren just looked more panicked and confused. An entire brigade of nurses and doctors bursted in the room, but Armin still managed to hear Eren’s words before they pulled him away.

 

“ _Who are you?”_

Just when hope had been thrown at Armin, it had been snatched away. It was cruel. Armin didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this. Now he really was alone in the world. No friends, and no boyfriend if Eren didn’t remember him. His entire family was dead. What reason did he have to live anymore?

 

Eren. Maybe… maybe Eren would remember! It could just be temporary amnesia! That had to be it, Eren would remember and then things would go back to normal!

 

* * *

 

 

Eren didn’t remember. Armin still visited him every day, but to Eren, the strange blonde boy was a complete stranger. He could tell that this probably wasn’t how the young man usually was. His large blue eyes were dull, and he always plastered on a fake smile when he saw Eren.

 

Eren remembered reading somewhere that people who had amnesia sometimes got senses about people that they used to know. Eren didn’t. Eren didn’t feel anything for the blonde boy. Armin was it? Armin Arlert. He only knew this because Armin had told him. He hadn’t believed Armin at first, but the nurses and doctors confirmed it multiple times. Armin Arlert was his boyfriend, and they lived together in a dorm. College, Eren supposed. Armin brought his homework and study books a lot, because he wanted to be with Eren, and Eren was actually kind of interested in the stories that Armin would tell him.

 

If Armin was telling the truth, then he and Eren had been good friends. Childhood friends turned lovers. It was almost cliché, but the smile that Armin got when he spoke about it… it was real. He was remembering Eren from before, and Eren had no doubt that the blonde boy wasn't lying about what they had together.

 

A lot of the times Eren wished he remembered. He wanted to remember his adopted sister Mikasa. He wanted to remember his deceased parents. He wanted to remember Armin’s deceased grandfather. He even wanted to remember the boy he apparently fought with all the time, Jean was it? Yeah, Jean. He wanted to remember all the good times they had together, he even wanted to remember the bad.

 

But he didn’t remember any of it. Occasionally he would say something that would make Armin’s eyes widen and sparkle, as though he’d said it before, but most of the time Armin seemed hesitant around him. Eren really did want to get to know Armin better, but the closest he seemed to get was stories about how he was before. Eren knew that Armin was holding onto what the brunette used to be rather then what he was now. Eren knew that he was acting differently from how he was before, not because he had a feeling, but because he could see the way Armin sometimes looked at him like he was a total stranger.

 

Eren wanted to think they were friends, and he even found himself wondering what it would be like to be the blonde boy’s boyfriend. But Armin seemed to close in on himself if Eren said something that wasn’t like how he was before, and Eren knew that the friendship probably wouldn’t go anywhere.

 

Two months later and they were living together. Eren was completely healed… except in his mind. Eren had the feeling that Armin only let him live with him because Eren had nowhere else to go though.

 

When they stepped in the room, Armin looked at him expectantly, but Eren just gave him a confused look back. This seemed to snap Armin back to reality, and he plastered another one of his fake smiles on his face. “O-Oh, right, you must not remember… um… I should give you a tour.”

 

The tour went… relatively well. It was only a small dorm after all, but none of the things that Armin showed him rang any bells. Armin had gone through picture books with him, showed him his facebook and myspace and twitter, but still… nothing.

 

It was quite obvious that Armin was giving up hope. Eren tried to distract him as much as he could, letting Armin pick out movies. Armin seemed thrilled that Eren still had the same appetite, and still liked the same foods, but it was apparently some of the only things that remained of the old Eren.

 

This Eren was new, but apparently not improved in Armin’s eyes. Eren couldn’t find it in his heart to hold it against him. Not when the blonde boy looked so… fragile and broken. Eren tried his hardest, he really did, but only a few things seemed to make the blonde smile a hopeful smile. Armin didn’t mention Eren how he was before as much, something that both relieved and worried Eren. Relieved because it wasn’t fun being compared to how he used to be after every single thing he said or did, but worrying because it was so sudden, and Armin was becoming more and more distant from him.

 

A part of Eren had been expecting it for a while, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t horrified and scared when he saw Armin’s limp body in the bathroom, a razor next to him and blood dripping from his wrists and staining the white floor. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t dead – not yet. He appeared to have passed out from the blood loss.

 

Eren didn’t really remember how he managed to call the ambulance while keeping Armin cradled in his arms. A burst of feeling exploded in his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut, tears dripping down his face and splashing on Armin.

 

Wait… there was something…

 

He was in a grassy field, there was a large tree above him. He saw Armin. No, wait, that wasn’t Armin. That boy was young. His face was youthful and chubby, and his eyes were huge and intelligent. He seemed happy.

 

Then Eren realized that it was Armin. He remembered this. This was the day that Armin found that book about the Titans and Olympians that fought each other. Another flash, another image. This one was of a girl he recognized only from pictures. Long black hair, narrowed eyes, and a small smile playing on her face. Mikasa Ackerman. More and more images appeared.

 

And when he opened his eyes… he felt even more scared, because Armin wasn’t responding. Where was the ambulance? Eren did his best to wrap gauze around the bleeding but there was so much… Eren hadn’t seen that much blood since they were kids, after some bullies had gotten a hold of Armin and Eren and Mikasa hadn’t been there to stop them until it was almost too late.

 

“Armin, Armin wake up! Armin you have to wake up!” he shook the limp, pale body in his hands, although it did nothing but make Armin’s head loll to the side. “Dammit Armin, you can’t do this to me. Not now. I… I can remember some things now! Not everything but – but I can – I can remember – you just… you have to wake up!”

 

The door smashed open and a small crew of EMT’s walked in. They took Armin’s body from Eren, although it was tough work because Eren hadn’t wanted to let go of his only friend at first. It took a while of them reassuring Eren that Armin would be fine if they let brought him to the ER now. If they didn’t, Armin would die. That was what made Eren let go of Armin, although he insisted that he rode to the hospital with them.

 

* * *

 

 

The first emotion that Armin felt upon waking up in the hospital was frustration. Couldn’t they just let him die in peace? No of course they had to bring him back into this fucked up world where he had to look at a man with the face of his boyfriend, but he was so different from the person that he loved. Eren was a stranger, he wasn’t _Eren._ He shared his name and looked like him, but that was pretty much it.

 

His best friends were dead, his family was dead, he had no other friends, so what was the point in living? It had always been Eren before, but there was no Eren. Not anymore. It was clear that Eren – _his Eren –_ wasn’t coming back.

 

Speaking of Eren…

 

When Armin sat up he was immediately tackled back down onto the bed by his… whatever this new Eren was. Armin was a bit startled to feel tears leaking into his shirt, although Eren didn’t seem to be sobbing openly. Eventually Eren pulled away, and instead of the puppy look that Eren had adopted recently, he looked… well… he looked like the old Eren look. Completely _pissed._

“What the fuck – why would you do that!? You son of a bitch… you… you fucking selfish asshole…”

 

Armin stared at him. He wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. It was true. He was a selfish asshole. He would have left Eren alone and not sure how to even function properly in this world where he knew nobody. All because Armin was selfish and wanted everything to go back to normal.

 

“Do you have – do you have any idea how fucking worried I was!?”

 

Armin looked away from him, staring at the bandages and gauze covering his wrists instead. He remembered cutting himself…

 

“Answer me!”

 

“No, I don’t know why you would be, it’s… we aren’t even friends. We just… we just live together.”

 

Eren grit his teeth. “I remember,” he said. It was spoken lowly but Armin snapped his head up fast enough that it hurt.

 

“You… remember?”

 

“Not everything,” Eren said, although it wasn’t enough to deflate Armin. That hope was back in his eyes. “But I remember some things. I remember Mikasa, and my parents, and you… mostly stuff from when we were kids. Like the bullying, you ass.” he gave Armin a flat look, since Armin had purposefully left that part out.

 

Armin didn’t look the least bit guilty about it. Instead he just smiled. One of his real smiles.

 

“And… I can’t lose you. I need you. I care about you. Even before I got my memories back I felt like we could be close. But especially now that I’m starting to remember… you can’t ever do that again, okay? I’m the only one that’s allowed to have the selfish title, not you.”

 

Armin snorted lightly. “Of course you are…” he looked up at Eren, more serious this time. “I won’t. I won’t leave you. I’m… I’m so sorry, Eren. I… I was being selfish. I wasn’t thinking about how you’d feel. I just… I felt alone and I know that isn’t an excuse but… I just…” he angrily wiped at his eyes, where tears were starting to form. “I just gave up hope. I… I wanted things to go back to normal.”

 

“Yeah, well newsflash, killing yourself would be the opposite of things going back to normal. I thought you were the smart one,” Eren scoffed, then softened a bit. “For the record, I’m glad you’re alive.”

 

“Yeah…” Armin gave him a small smile. Eren was starting to remember, that was good enough for him. “Me too.”

 


End file.
